Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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