How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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