you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
