I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
