Do you still have your period?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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