If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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