Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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