I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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