he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
