Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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