we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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