The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
