I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
