Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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