I just cut my nipple shaving
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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