Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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