I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
