Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
