Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
