broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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