Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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