Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
