you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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