my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
