She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
