He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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