This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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