fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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