I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
