I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
