I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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