Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
