your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
