Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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