it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
