five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
