I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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