Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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