new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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