my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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