3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
