I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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