Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
