A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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