cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
