sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
We got so high we made milksteak
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
