cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
