How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
