Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
