Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
