Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
