I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
