I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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