My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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