my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
