Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
