just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
