some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
