I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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